Why Women Over 40 Often Struggle with Confidence and How to Rebuild It

As women over 40, many of us find ourselves reflecting on where we are in life—successful in our careers yet feeling uncertain about our personal confidence. This experience is surprisingly common, particularly among women who have achieved so much professionally but continue to battle self-doubt and insecurity in other areas. So, why do successful women over 40 often struggle with confidence? And more importantly, how can you rebuild it?

Why Confidence Wanes After 40

The reasons behind this shift in confidence are multifaceted. Life changes such as transitioning into new career roles, navigating complex family dynamics, or coming out of toxic relationships can all contribute to this sense of uncertainty. For many women, societal expectations have conditioned us to put others first—whether in our personal or professional relationships—which can lead to neglecting our own needs and goals. The people-pleasing behaviour that may have served you in younger years can now feel limiting, especially when it comes to setting boundaries in relationships.

Societal Conditioning: The People-Pleasing Trap

For many women in their 40's and beyond, the act of putting others first is deeply ingrained. Raised during a time when traditional gender roles were still strongly emphasised, many of us were taught to be caregivers, even to our own detriment. This expectation to nurture and care for everyone else often left little room for our own self-expression or needs. As writer and feminist Carol Gilligan pointed out, girls are often socialised to prioritise relationships and harmony over personal ambition, leading to an internalised belief that pleasing others is central to our value.

Research backs this up. A study by psychologist Dr. Susan David revealed that women are more likely to engage in "emotional labour"—the effort required to manage and prioritise the feelings and needs of others—often at the expense of their own emotional health. For many women over 40, this conditioning has led to a lifelong habit of people-pleasing and over-giving, which in turn erodes their confidence as they struggle to balance everyone else’s needs with their own.

Recognising the Effects of People-Pleasing and Over-Giving

A common issue for many women over 40 is the tendency to over-give. Perhaps you’ve always been the person everyone can rely on, both at work and at home. While this trait is admirable, it often comes at the cost of your own emotional and physical well-being. Continually putting others first, especially in relationships, can leave you feeling drained, underappreciated, and ultimately less confident.

One of the key factors in rebuilding confidence is recognising where your boundaries have been crossed and where over-giving has taken a toll. Begin by asking yourself: are you often saying "yes" to requests you don't have time for? Do you find yourself feeling guilty when you try to set limits?

How to Rebuild Your Confidence After 40

Set Boundaries in Relationships  

Confidence grows when you start to prioritise your own needs. This often begins with setting boundaries in your personal and professional relationships. You have the right to say no without feeling guilty, and to protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. Re-establishing boundaries is a crucial step in regaining confidence as a woman.

Overcome Toxic Relationships 

Confidence can be deeply impacted by the relationships you keep. Toxic relationships—whether romantic, familial, or professional—drain your self-worth. If you're finding that certain relationships are making you question your value or causing you ongoing stress, it may be time to reassess and, if necessary, walk away.

Reframe Your People-Pleasing Tendencies  

Many successful women over 40 still struggle with people-pleasing. This behaviour is often rooted in a desire for validation or approval, which may have been necessary earlier in your career but now feels limiting. Shifting your focus from external approval to internal satisfaction is essential for rebuilding your confidence.

Prioritise Yourself  

In order to gain confidence as a woman over 40, you must learn to put yourself first. Start small by carving out time each day for activities that bring you joy or fulfilment. Whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or simply spending quiet time alone, these moments are crucial for restoring your sense of self-worth.

Seek Support  

Sometimes, the journey to rebuilding confidence requires a helping hand. Whether through a coach, mentor, or therapist, having someone to guide you through this process can be invaluable. This personalised, one-on-one approach allows you to work through deeper emotional blocks and create real, lasting change.

Conclusion

Rebuilding confidence after 40 isn’t about trying to become someone you’re not. It’s about recognising the strength you already have and learning how to prioritise your own needs, set healthy boundaries, and walk away from relationships or situations that no longer serve you. You have the experience, wisdom, and capability to reclaim your confidence—and the time to do so is now.

Karen Ferguson is a Confidence and Relationship Specialist with nearly 25 years of experience helping successful women over 40 break free from toxic relationships, rebuild their confidence, and set healthy boundaries in every area of their lives. Through my one-to-one, bespoke coaching, I guide women in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies and prioritising their own needs, both personally and professionally. If you’re ready to step into your power and create the relationships and life you deserve, explore my Signature Confidence and Relationship Package or contact me for a consultation.

She's Confident Coaching

Confidence and Relationship Specialist

Bespoke one-to-one coaching for successful women over 40, helping them build confidence,

set boundaries, and transform relationships.

shesconfidentcoaching.com

References:

Dr. Susan David - Emotional Agility (2016)