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People-pleasing is a deeply ingrained habit for many women, particularly those who have achieved success in their careers but still find themselves struggling with personal boundaries and self-worth. Despite their professional accomplishments, many successful women feel compelled to meet the needs of others, often at the expense of their own well-being. This tendency can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and a sense of invisibility in their own lives. So, why do successful women struggle with people-pleasing, and how can they break free from it?
The Root of People-Pleasing in Women
The pressure to people-please is often rooted in early social conditioning. From a young age, girls are frequently taught to be nurturing, accommodating, and to prioritise the needs of others. While boys are often encouraged to assert themselves, girls are expected to maintain harmony and avoid conflict. This double standard is reinforced by societal messages that portray women as caregivers, responsible for others' happiness and emotional well-being.
As women grow older and enter the workforce, these patterns often persist. Successful women, in particular, can feel the pressure to perform not only in their professional roles but also in their personal relationships. This can manifest as a reluctance to say no, an eagerness to avoid disappointing others, and a fear of being perceived as selfish or difficult.
Psychologist and author Dr. Harriet Braiker, in her book The Disease to Please, describes people-pleasing as a form of addiction. Braiker suggests that people-pleasers derive a sense of self-worth from the approval of others, which creates a cycle of dependency that can be difficult to break. For women, especially those in leadership roles, this behaviour can lead to a loss of personal power and autonomy, as they become more focused on meeting others' expectations than on fulfilling their own needs.
The Exclusion of Self in People-Pleasing
One of the most harmful aspects of people-pleasing is that it often excludes self-pleasing. Women who consistently prioritise the needs of others may find that they rarely, if ever, consider their own desires. This self-neglect can result in feeling invisible or unimportant in their own lives. Instead of being the lead actor in their own story, many women end up in the background, focusing on supporting the goals and needs of others.
For women in their 40s and beyond, this pattern can become particularly pronounced. Having spent decades caring for children, partners, or navigating career pressures, they may find themselves feeling disconnected from their own passions and desires. The constant push to please others can lead to burnout, emotional exhaustion, and a sense of unfulfillment.
Author Brené Brown, renowned for her research on vulnerability and shame, highlights the issue of people-pleasing in her work. Brown notes that women often feel they must "fit in" rather than belong, meaning they change themselves to meet societal expectations rather than standing confidently in their own authenticity. This pressure to conform can leave women feeling as though they must sacrifice their own happiness to maintain the approval of others.
The Consequences of People-Pleasing
The long-term consequences of people-pleasing are significant. Women who consistently prioritise others' needs over their own may experience:
Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly trying to please others can lead to burnout. This emotional exhaustion often results in anxiety, stress, and a diminished sense of well-being.
Resentment: Over time, women may begin to resent the very people they are trying to please. This resentment arises when they feel unappreciated or when their own needs are continually ignored.
Loss of Identity: People-pleasing can erode a woman’s sense of self. When the focus is always on others, it becomes difficult to define personal goals, desires, and values.
Invisible in Their Own Lives: Perhaps one of the most tragic outcomes of chronic people-pleasing is the feeling of being invisible in one's own life. Women may realise they have spent so much time catering to others that they have neglected their own dreams and aspirations.
Breaking Free from People-Pleasing
Breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing requires a shift in mindset and the adoption of new behaviours that prioritise self-care and assertiveness. Below are some strategies to help women regain control of their lives and focus on their own needs.
Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
One of the most effective ways to overcome people-pleasing is by setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. This means being clear about what you will and will not tolerate, both in personal and professional relationships. As Dr. Brené Brown explains, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."
Boundaries help protect your emotional and physical well-being, ensuring that you don’t become overwhelmed by the demands of others. Start small by saying no to tasks that don’t serve you or that you simply don’t have time for. With practice, setting boundaries will become easier and will reinforce your self-worth.
Learn to Say No Without Guilt
Many people-pleasers find it difficult to say no, fearing they’ll disappoint others or be seen as selfish. However, learning to say no is crucial for regaining control over your time and energy. Saying no allows you to prioritise your own needs and prevents you from becoming overburdened by others’ expectations.
Remember, saying no is not an act of selfishness. It’s an act of self-preservation. By saying no to things that don’t serve you, you make space for the things that truly matter.
Shift from External Validation to Internal Validation
People-pleasers often seek external validation from others to feel good about themselves. Breaking free from this habit requires shifting the focus inward and learning to validate yourself. Instead of relying on praise or approval from others, start recognising and celebrating your own achievements. This shift in perspective can help you feel more confident and self-assured, even when others are not giving you the validation you might crave.
Reconnect with Your Own Needs and Desires
After years of people-pleasing, many women struggle to identify what they truly want. Taking time to reflect on your own needs, goals, and passions is an essential part of breaking the cycle. Whether it’s through journaling, therapy, or simply spending quiet time alone, reconnecting with your own desires helps you regain a sense of purpose and fulfilment.
Practice Self-Compassion
Breaking free from people-pleasing can be challenging, and it’s important to be kind to yourself during the process. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion, emphasises that treating yourself with kindness rather than self-criticism can make it easier to navigate difficult situations. When you make a mistake or fall back into old habits, remind yourself that growth takes time and that you’re doing the best you can.
Conclusion: Putting Yourself First Is Not Selfish
Women are often conditioned to believe that prioritising their own needs is selfish, but nothing could be further from the truth. Putting yourself first allows you to show up as your best self in all areas of life—personally, professionally, and emotionally. By setting boundaries, saying no when necessary, and reconnecting with your own desires, you can break free from the exhausting cycle of people-pleasing and reclaim your sense of self.
The journey to overcoming people-pleasing is not about neglecting others, but about finally including yourself in the equation. As Brené Brown so aptly says, "Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen." The most empowering decision you can make is to show up for yourself, just as much as you show up for others.
Karen Ferguson is a Confidence and Relationship Specialist with nearly 25 years of experience helping successful women over 40 break free from toxic relationships, rebuild their confidence, and set healthy boundaries in every area of their lives. Through my bespoke coaching, I guide women in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies and focusing on their own needs, both personally and professionally. If you’re ready to reclaim your life, explore my Signature Confidence and Relationship Package or contact me for a consultation.
Confidence and Relationship Specialist
Bespoke one-to-one coaching for successful women over 40, helping them build confidence,
set boundaries, and transform relationships.
References:
Braiker, H. B. (2002). The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome. McGraw-Hill.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin Random House.
Cuddy, A. J. C. (2015). Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. Little, Brown and Company.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
Babcock, L., & Laschever, S. (2009). Women Don't Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide. Bantam Books.
Harvard Business Review. (2018). The Gender Gap in Feedback: How Women and Men Differ in the Workplace.
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