.png)
For many successful women, saying no can feel nearly impossible. Whether in the workplace, family life, or relationships, the pressure to say yes is ever-present. This tendency to agree to every request often stems from the desire to be helpful, nurturing, or to avoid conflict. However, constantly saying yes can drain your energy, leave you feeling overwhelmed, and rob you of the time you need for yourself. Learning to say no is essential to reclaiming your time and energy and creating the boundaries needed for a healthy, balanced life.
Saying no doesn’t mean you’re selfish or uncaring—it’s about prioritising your well-being and making choices that serve you rather than deplete you. Here's why saying no is a critical aspect of setting boundaries and how you can master the art of doing so without guilt.
Why Saying No Is So Difficult
Many women struggle to say no because they’ve been conditioned to prioritise others over themselves. From a young age, girls are often taught to be people-pleasers—valuing the opinions and feelings of others while sidelining their own. This conditioning continues into adulthood, where women are expected to juggle multiple roles and meet the needs of everyone around them. This is particularly evident in professional settings, where saying no can feel like risking opportunities or being seen as uncooperative.
Dr. Vanessa Bohns, a professor of organisational behaviour at Cornell University, has studied social pressure and the challenges people face when saying no. Bohns explains that people often underestimate the amount of pressure others feel to comply with requests, which makes saying no more challenging. Many women feel obligated to say yes to avoid conflict or to maintain relationships, unaware of the emotional toll it takes on their own well-being.
The Cost of Always Saying Yes
Saying yes all the time comes at a cost. When you agree to every request or demand, you’re not just giving away your time; you’re also sacrificing your energy, mental space, and emotional well-being. Constantly saying yes leaves you with less time for yourself and can result in feelings of resentment, frustration, and exhaustion. In the long term, it can affect your relationships, career satisfaction, and personal happiness.
Research by Dr. Adam Grant, an organisational psychologist and professor at Wharton, shows that people who frequently say yes and take on too much are at a higher risk of burnout. He argues that giving too much can lead to emotional exhaustion, decreased productivity, and even resentment. Grant encourages people to set clear boundaries, particularly in the workplace, to avoid spreading themselves too thin and risking their overall well-being.
The Benefits of Saying No
Saying no is not just about refusing requests; it’s about taking control of your life and prioritising your own needs. By learning to say no, you can:
Protect your time and energy: Saying no allows you to focus on the things that are truly important to you, rather than being pulled in multiple directions.
Establish clear boundaries: Saying no is a way of setting boundaries, which helps protect your emotional and mental health. It allows others to understand your limits and respect your space.
Build confidence: Learning to say no can increase your self-worth, as you demonstrate to yourself that your needs and time are just as important as others’.
Reduce stress and burnout: By reducing over-commitment, you’ll have more time to rest and recharge, which can improve your overall well-being.
How to Say No Effectively
Be clear and direct: When saying no, clarity is key. You don’t need to provide an elaborate explanation or apology. A simple, firm "No, I can’t commit to that right now" is often enough. The more direct you are, the more likely people will respect your decision.
Use “I” statements: Frame your refusal around your own needs and circumstances rather than focusing on the other person. For example, "I need to prioritise my workload this week, so I won’t be able to take that on" is a way of making your no about your needs rather than a rejection of the request.
Offer alternatives: If you’re uncomfortable saying no outright, offering an alternative can be a helpful way to soften the refusal. For example, "I can’t do this today, but I’m happy to help next week" lets the other person know that while you can’t meet their request now, you’re still willing to help on your own terms.
Stand firm: It’s common to feel pressured to say yes after initially saying no. However, standing firm in your decision is critical. If someone pushes back, calmly repeat your no or redirect the conversation to your needs. It’s important to remember that saying no doesn’t require you to negotiate or justify your decision.
Practice self-compassion: Saying no can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’ve spent years putting others first. Remember to be kind to yourself as you navigate this change. Self-compassion helps you understand that saying no is not selfish; it’s a necessary act of self-care.
Overcoming the Guilt of Saying No
Many women feel guilty when they say no, particularly if they’re used to being the ones who always step up to help. This guilt can stem from societal messages that tell women they must always be available for others, or it can come from the fear of being judged as unkind or uncaring.
Dr. Joan Halifax, a renowned Buddhist teacher and anthropologist, speaks about the importance of boundaries and the concept of "compassionate boundaries." She suggests that we must set boundaries not just for our own sake but also for the sake of those around us. When we overextend ourselves, we can become resentful or exhausted, which can harm our relationships. By setting compassionate boundaries, we not only protect our energy but also ensure that we can continue to offer support to others in a healthy, balanced way.
Overcoming the guilt of saying no requires reframing your perspective. Instead of viewing saying no as a rejection of others, see it as a way to create balance in your life. By saying no to things that drain you, you’re actually saying yes to your own well-being, and that’s something to feel proud of, not guilty about.
Reclaiming Your Time and Energy
Saying no is one of the most effective ways to reclaim your time and energy. By being selective about what you agree to, you’re able to focus on what truly matters to you. Whether it’s your career, personal relationships, or self-care, saying no to the things that don’t align with your goals allows you to live more intentionally.
When you reclaim your time, you’re also reclaiming your power. You no longer feel pulled in multiple directions, trying to meet everyone else’s needs. Instead, you have the freedom to choose how you spend your time and who you spend it with. Reclaiming your energy means that you’re no longer running on empty, constantly giving to others while neglecting yourself. It’s about restoring balance in your life and making space for the things that nurture you.
Conclusion
Learning to say no is a critical step in reclaiming your time and energy. By setting boundaries, being clear and direct, and overcoming the guilt associated with saying no, you can create space for the things that truly matter. Saying no is not selfish; it’s an act of self-care that allows you to live a more balanced, intentional life. Remember, every time you say no to something that doesn’t serve you, you’re saying yes to your own well-being—and that’s a choice worth making.
Karen Ferguson is a Confidence and Relationship Specialist with nearly 25 years of experience helping successful women over 40 break free from toxic relationships, rebuild their confidence, and set healthy boundaries in every area of their lives. Through my bespoke coaching, I guide women in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies and focusing on their own needs, both personally and professionally. If you’re ready to reclaim your life, explore my Signature Confidence and Relationship Package or contact me for a consultation.
Confidence and Relationship Specialist
Bespoke one-to-one coaching for successful women over 40, helping them build confidence, set boundaries, and transform relationships.
References:
Bohns, V. K. (2016). You’re Not as Persuasive as You Think: How We Underestimate the Influence We Have Over Others. Harvard Business Review.
Grant, A. (2013). Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success. Penguin Books.
Halifax, J. (2018). Standing at the Edge: Finding Freedom Where Fear and Courage Meet. Flatiron Books.
Commentaires