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Building confidence as a woman over 40 can often feel like a daunting task, especially when navigating the complex dynamics of both personal and professional relationships. Many successful women find that, despite their achievements, confidence can wane when it comes to setting boundaries, prioritising their own needs, and effectively communicating in their relationships. The good news is that confidence can be cultivated, even later in life, by adopting certain strategies that enhance self-assurance in both your personal and work environments.
The Confidence Gap in Personal and Professional Relationships
Confidence in relationships—whether personal or professional—can be impacted by various factors. Many women were raised with the notion that they should be accommodating and nurturing, often prioritising the needs of others over their own. As a result, we may find it difficult to set boundaries, speak up for ourselves, or assert our needs in relationships. This behaviour often spills over into our professional lives, where women are sometimes reluctant to advocate for themselves in meetings or ask for what they deserve.
Psychologist Dr. Amy Cuddy, in her research on power and body language, emphasises that confidence is not just about feeling good; it’s about acting in ways that promote self-assurance and strength. Her research suggests that adopting confident postures and behaviours can "trick" your brain into actually feeling more confident, a principle that can be applied to how you carry yourself in all relationships.
How to Build Confidence in Personal Relationships
1. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Setting boundaries is key to building confidence. When you make it clear what is and isn't acceptable in your personal relationships, you regain control over your time and emotional energy. It’s important to remember that boundaries aren’t about shutting others out; they’re about creating space for yourself. Confidence grows when you prioritise your own needs, and over time, you’ll find it easier to assert yourself without guilt.
2. Communicate Assertively
Many women struggle with assertiveness, fearing they’ll come across as too aggressive. However, assertive communication is simply about being clear and respectful when expressing your needs and desires. It’s about saying what you mean without apology. Practising assertive communication helps you gain confidence by making sure your voice is heard and your needs are met.
3. Recognise Toxic Patterns
In personal relationships, confidence can be undermined by toxic dynamics—whether it’s a friend, partner, or family member. If certain relationships leave you feeling emotionally drained or questioning your self-worth, it may be time to reassess whether they’re healthy. Confidence stems from surrounding yourself with people who uplift you, not those who tear you down.
How to Build Confidence in Professional Relationships
1. Know Your Worth
Confidence in the workplace begins with knowing your worth and recognising your strengths. Self-employed women, in particular, may struggle with imposter syndrome, a feeling of not being "good enough" despite their accomplishments. Acknowledge your expertise and remind yourself regularly of your achievements. The more you internalise your value, the easier it becomes to communicate confidently in professional settings.
2. Speak Up in Meetings and Negotiations
A lack of confidence can prevent women from speaking up in meetings or negotiating for better pay, projects, or roles. Research by Dr. Linda Babcock shows that women are often less likely to negotiate compared to men, which can impact career progression. Building confidence in the workplace requires practice. Start small by contributing your ideas in meetings, then work up to larger challenges like negotiating a promotion or taking on leadership roles.
3. Establish Professional Boundaries
Just as in personal relationships, setting boundaries in the workplace is crucial for maintaining confidence and avoiding burnout. Ensure that your work-life balance is respected, and don’t be afraid to say no to extra tasks that overextend your limits. Confident professionals know when to protect their time and energy.
The Role of Self-Care in Confidence Building
Confidence isn't just about how you interact with others; it also stems from how you treat yourself. Regular self-care routines—whether physical, emotional, or mental—help you feel good in your own skin, making it easier to project confidence in all your relationships. Taking time for yourself, setting aside moments for reflection, and celebrating your wins all contribute to building a stronger, more confident you.
The Confidence-Aggression Double Standard
One of the greatest challenges women face when building confidence is the perception that assertiveness equals aggressiveness. While men are often seen as strong and decisive when they speak up, women exhibiting the same traits are frequently labelled as "bossy," "difficult," or even "aggressive." This double standard can make it more difficult for women to assert themselves without fear of backlash, especially in the workplace.
A study conducted by the Harvard Business Review found that assertive women are more likely to face negative feedback compared to men, particularly when they challenge norms or express strong opinions. This can leave many women feeling like they have to walk a fine line between being confident enough to be heard, but not so assertive that they are viewed negatively.
How to Overcome the Double Standard
Reframe Your Thinking
It’s essential to first acknowledge that the double standard exists—and that it’s not your responsibility to change how others perceive strong, assertive women. What you can control, however, is how you present yourself and how you respond to those perceptions. Reframing your thinking to focus on the value you bring, rather than worrying about how you’ll be perceived, is key to pushing through these societal biases.
Stay Calm and Confident
Confidence is often perceived through tone and body language. When you're delivering assertive messages, staying calm and composed can help mitigate perceptions of aggression. Using an even tone, maintaining eye contact, and standing tall with open body language conveys strength without appearing confrontational. As Dr. Amy Cuddy suggests, power posing and strong posture can positively affect both your inner confidence and how others perceive you.
Assert Yourself with Empathy
Assertiveness doesn’t have to mean disregarding others' feelings. You can be assertive while also expressing empathy. For example, when negotiating or communicating your needs, acknowledge the other person's perspective while standing firm in your own. This balance between empathy and assertiveness can help soften perceptions of aggression, making your message more palatable without losing its impact.
Challenge the Stereotypes
Recognise that by being assertive, you’re actively challenging outdated gender norms that say women should be nurturing and accommodating at all times. Each time you assert yourself, you’re not only standing up for your own needs but also helping to shift these harmful perceptions for future generations of women. Building confidence in this area involves learning to accept that some people may push back, but that doesn’t mean you should soften or diminish your message.
Seek Allies
One of the best ways to combat the confidence-aggression double standard is to surround yourself with supportive colleagues, mentors, or friends who understand the challenges you face. They can offer valuable feedback, act as sounding boards for difficult conversations, and provide the reassurance you need to stay assertive without second-guessing yourself.
Conclusion
Building confidence in your personal and professional relationships is no easy task, particularly when women are often subjected to double standards that unfairly label assertiveness as aggression. However, by reframing your mindset, maintaining calm and confident body language, asserting yourself with empathy, and setting clear boundaries, you can push past these societal biases. Confidence doesn’t mean you have to fit into anyone’s idea of how you "should" behave—it’s about owning your space and your voice in every aspect of your life.
Karen Ferguson is a Confidence and Relationship Specialist with nearly 25 years of experience helping successful women over 40 break free from toxic relationships, rebuild their confidence, and set healthy boundaries in every area of their lives. Through my bespoke coaching, I guide women in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies and building confidence in both their personal and professional lives. If you’re ready to step into your power, explore my Signature Confidence and Relationship Package or contact me for a consultation.
Confidence and Relationship Specialist
Bespoke one-to-one coaching for successful women over 40, helping them build confidence,
set boundaries, and transform relationships.
References:
Cuddy, A. J. C. (2015). Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. Little, Brown and Company.
Babcock, L., & Laschever, S. (2009). Women Don't Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide. Bantam Books.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin Random House.
Harvard Business Review. (2018). The Gender Gap in Feedback: How Women and Men Differ in the Workplace.
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