5 Signs You’re Over-Giving in Your Relationships (And How to Stop)

Many women, especially those who are highly successful in their professional lives, tend to over-give in their personal relationships. The tendency to over-give stems from a desire to be helpful, nurturing, and supportive. However, when over-giving becomes a habit, it can lead to emotional exhaustion, resentment, and an imbalance in relationships. Over time, this behaviour can drain you, leaving you feeling unappreciated, overlooked, or even invisible in your own life. Recognising the signs of over-giving is the first step in taking back control and creating healthier, more balanced relationships.

Here are some common signs that you may be over-giving in your relationships and some practical steps to help you stop.

You feel exhausted and overwhelmed

One of the clearest signs of over-giving is the feeling of exhaustion and being overwhelmed. When you’re constantly pouring your time, energy, and emotional resources into others, it’s easy to become drained. If you find that you’re always the one people turn to for help, and you rarely have time for yourself, it’s likely you’ve crossed the line into over-giving.

Psychologist Dr. Harriet Braiker, author of The Disease to Please, explains that many women who are chronic people-pleasers or over-givers experience burnout because they feel obligated to take care of everyone else’s needs. This emotional exhaustion can lead to anxiety, stress, and even physical health problems. It's essential to recognise that taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary for your well-being and the health of your relationships.

You feel resentful towards others

Over time, over-giving can lead to feelings of resentment. You may start to feel unappreciated or taken for granted by the very people you’re trying to help. When you give too much, you may expect others to return the favour, but when they don’t, it can lead to bitterness and frustration. This resentment is a sign that your giving has become unbalanced, and your needs are being ignored.

Brené Brown, a researcher and author known for her work on vulnerability and relationships, suggests that resentment often arises when we fail to set boundaries. Without clear boundaries, you may give more than you can afford, emotionally or physically, leading to frustration. Setting limits on how much you’re willing to give ensures that you maintain a sense of balance and avoid feelings of resentment.

You neglect your own needs

One of the most damaging effects of over-giving is the neglect of your own needs. When you’re constantly focused on meeting the needs of others, you may lose sight of your own goals, desires, and well-being. This can leave you feeling unfulfilled, disconnected from your own identity, and even invisible in your own life.

Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, emphasises the importance of treating yourself with the same care and kindness you extend to others. If you find that you’re consistently putting others’ needs above your own, it’s time to step back and reconnect with what’s important to you. Self-compassion is not about being selfish, but about honouring your own worth and making sure that your needs are met.

Your relationships feel one-sided

Another sign that you’re over-giving is when your relationships feel one-sided. If you’re always the one giving—whether it’s emotional support, time, or energy—and receiving little in return, it’s a clear indication of imbalance. Healthy relationships are reciprocal, with both parties giving and receiving equally. When this dynamic is skewed, it can lead to frustration, feelings of neglect, and emotional exhaustion.

In his book Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud explains that one-sided relationships are often the result of poor boundaries. When you don’t establish clear limits on how much you’re willing to give, others may take advantage of your generosity, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Reassessing your relationships and ensuring that both sides are giving and receiving fairly is crucial for your emotional well-being.

You feel guilty when you don’t give

Many over-givers struggle with feelings of guilt when they try to set limits or take time for themselves. You may feel like you’re being selfish or letting others down when you say no or take a step back from your caretaking role. However, this guilt is often a result of societal conditioning, which tells women that they should always be the nurturers and caregivers.

Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, explains that women are often socialised to prioritise others’ needs over their own, leading to feelings of guilt when they try to set boundaries. However, it’s essential to remember that setting boundaries is not about being selfish—it’s about protecting your own mental and emotional health. Learning to say no without guilt is a crucial step in breaking the cycle of over-giving.

How to stop over-giving and reclaim balance

Recognising the signs of over-giving is the first step towards creating healthier, more balanced relationships. Here are some practical strategies to help you stop over-giving and start prioritising your own needs.

Set clear boundaries: Establishing boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. Be clear about what you’re willing to give and when it’s time to say no. Boundaries help you protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being.

Practice saying no: Saying no can be difficult, especially if you’re used to always being the one to help others. However, learning to say no is crucial for preventing burnout and emotional exhaustion. Start by saying no to small requests and gradually work your way up to bigger ones. Remember, every time you say no to something that doesn’t serve you, you’re saying yes to your own well-being.

Reconnect with your own needs: Over-giving often results in losing touch with your own desires and goals. Take time to reflect on what’s important to you and what you need to feel fulfilled. Whether it’s pursuing a hobby, spending time alone, or focusing on self-care, make sure that your needs are being met.

Practice self-compassion: It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism when you try to change your over-giving habits. Instead, be kind to yourself and recognise that you’re doing the best you can. Self-compassion helps you stay grounded and focused on your own well-being, even when others may not understand your decision to set limits.

Seek support: Breaking the habit of over-giving can be challenging, especially if it’s been a lifelong pattern. Consider seeking support from a therapist, coach, or trusted friend who can help you navigate the process and provide guidance along the way.

Conclusion

Over-giving is a common challenge for many women, but recognising the signs and taking steps to stop it can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. By setting boundaries, saying no without guilt, and reconnecting with your own needs, you can break the cycle of over-giving and reclaim your time, energy, and emotional well-being. Remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s essential for creating balanced and healthy relationships.

Karen Ferguson is a Confidence and Relationship Specialist with nearly 25 years of experience helping successful women over 40 break free from toxic relationships, rebuild their confidence, and set healthy boundaries in every area of their lives. Through my bespoke coaching, I guide women in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies and focusing on their own needs, both personally and professionally. If you’re ready to reclaim your life, explore my Signature Confidence and Relationship Package or contact me for a consultation.

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References:

Braiker, H. B. (2002). The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome. McGraw-Hill.  

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin Random House.  

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.  

Lerner, H. (1985). The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. Harper & Row.  

Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.